I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
