I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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