she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Randomize
