we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
