Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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