Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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