i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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