Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
