my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
