I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
