My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
