I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
