are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She's the barista slut.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
