I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
