they're like a gay fantastic four
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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