im six kinds of drunk right now
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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