I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize