a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
