My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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