I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm both gender and math confused
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
