they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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