but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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