Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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