This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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