Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
