Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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