dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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