And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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