Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
