I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
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I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
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The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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