My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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