today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
