Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
