That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
