I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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