I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
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