Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
