i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Randomize
