I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
