nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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