I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
