ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
