i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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