you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
