Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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