The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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