dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
