My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Found the puke drawer
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize
