I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.