i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh