It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.