youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
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I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
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I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack