haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
