I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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