I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
