In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Randomize
