sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
