is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
