8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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