you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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