i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
