Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
