sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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