plz talk dirty to me
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
