I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
