I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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