My Higher Power is John Stamos
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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