He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
