He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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